Plan 9 from Outer Space has Aliens, Zombies, and Ed Wood’s Crippling Lack of Talent —The Only Thing Harder Than the Acting is Trying to Explain This Movie to Your Therapist!

Ladies, gentlemen, and horny extraterrestrials lurking in the back row of the drive-in—gather ‘round, because we’re about to dissect *Plan 9 from Outer Space*, the celluloid equivalent of a bow-legged hooker trying to tap-dance in quicksand. Directed by the infamous Ed Wood (who apparently filmed this while huffing model airplane glue), this 1959 “masterpiece” is so gloriously inept that it makes *Deep Throat* look like *Citizen Kane* by comparison.

The Plot (Or Lack Thereof)

Aliens—dressed like rejected Vegas lounge acts—decide to conquer Earth by resurrecting the dead as stiff, disjointed zombies. (Think a chiropractors’ nightmare or the delivery man who moves like he’s got a broomstick lodged up his backside). Their grand scheme? “Plan 9”—which, spoiler alert, is about as threatening as a vibrator with dead batteries. Our hero, a square-jawed pilot (who delivers lines like he’s reading ingredients), teams up with a cop so wooden he could’ve been carved by a Boy Scout. Brought together to combat… bad acting, mostly.

The “Special” Effects

The flying saucers are literal hubcaps dangling from visible strings. The “space” is a black sheet with glitter thrown at it by a deranged kindergarten class. And the zombies?  Bela Lugosi—God rest his soul—shot three minutes of footage before croaking, so Ed Wood just slapped a stand-in with a cape over his face and hoped nobody’d notice. Spoiler: You notice.

Why You Should Watch It (With Booze and a Willing Partner)

Here’s the thing, degenerates— Plan 9 isn’t a movie. It’s an experience. Like losing your virginity in a haunted house, it’s awkward, confusing, and over way too fast.  The sheer audacity of its incompetence is erotic in its own way. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll question humanity’s worth… and then you’ll get laid, because nothing turns a woman on like saying, “Hey baby, wanna see the worst movie ever made?”

Final Verdict: 0 Stars, 100% Boner-Inducing Chaos
If Plan 9 from outer space were a porno, it’d be the one where the plumber forgets his tools but somehow still “fixes the pipes.” It’s terrible. It’s magnificent. It’s the cinematic equivalent of catching your parents doing the nasty—you wanna look away, but you’re transfixed like a deer caught in the headlights, you brain in its panic, stopped working the controls.

So go watch it with a bottle of Jack or a joint, and someone who’ll ride you like the aliens should’ve ridden those hubcap UFOs.

Sincerely

B.S. Cinephile (The Unapologetic Masochist)

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PS. For a real double feature, pair this with *Flesh Gordon* and a case of Schlitz. Or, a you can watch Brooke Sheilds pay an underage hooker while snorting kitty litter -You’re welcome.

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The Fly was directed by Kurt Neumann and starred Vincent Price renowned and celebrated horror film actor, played the lead part as scientist Andre Delambre. He invents a teleportation device. But when he accidentally teleports himself with a common housefly, the fly’s genes become intertwined with his own, causing a mutation that transforms him into a grotesque and monstrous creature.

The film set a new standard for the science fiction genre with groundbreaking special effects. The convincing fly transformation sequence, in particular, was widely regarded as one of the best special effects of its time. Thanks to the technical and artistic brilliance of Hollywood artist Charles Ben who did both makeup and special effects for The Fly. The film’s success helped establish 20th Century Fox as a major player in the science fiction genre. It was so successful in fact, the film spawned two sequels and studio remade The Fly, in color this time, in 1986.

Get girls using Pheromones!

Departing from the typical themes of science fiction, which often focused on futuristic societies and space exploration, The Fly instead explored the darker side of science and technology. In particular, the consequences of playing God with the natural world. The dangers of unchecked scientific progress presented in this film, set the scene for ethical debate in the years succeeding it’s release. (Something, along with disbelieving in God, unfortunately modern scientists believe they have overcome).

You can also watch the Amityville Horror

“The Fly” is a landmark film that broke new ground in terms of its special effects, storytelling, and themes. The film was a major box office success and helped establish 20th Century Fox as a major player in the science fiction genre. Its impact on the movie-making industry cannot be overstated, and its influence can still be felt today in the many films that continue to be inspired by its themes and style.

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The Great Rupert is a treasure starring Jimmy Durante. The movie is about aging vaudevillian performers falling on hard times, and the delightful antics of a squirrel who inadvertently showers them in blessings. The squirrel is very life like, but was actually done by animatronics, and is not really a trained pet squirrel. (As someone who has both been on movie sets and lived with a squirrel, I can tell you that making a movie with a squirrel cooperating on this level would be a miracle in itself).

The Amendola family are desperate to find accommodations, out of work acrobats, they are carrying all their worldly possessions. At the same time, Joe Mahoney who has a well trained squirrel named “The Great Rupert” as part of his act, must hit the road in search of work. He releases his squirrel into the park to fend for himself in the wild. The “Great Rupert,” used to living indoors, sneaks inside just as the Amendolas are taking possession of a tiny apt below their stingy landlord Mr. Dingle. He makes his home in the space between the two households.

As Christmas approaches the Amendolas fear eviction and Mrs. Amendola prays for a miracle. Suddenly money falls from the ceiling and they are able to pay their bills. Unbeknownst to them, Mr. Dingle is hiding the proceeds from his investments from the government inside his wall. Just where the “Great Rupert” has made his bed. Rupert, seeing the paper as a nuisance throws it away and the Amendola’s profit. The story is more about what should be done with good fortune than anything else, a different lighter take on the same theme as Scrooge.

Help provide Emergency Shelter to those in trouble

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This film was entitled Scrooge for UK audiences, but renamed after the original story A Christmas Carol when shown on the American screens. I think part of the popularity of the Scrooge aka A Christmas Carol adaptations of Charles Dickens’ classic tale is because for most of us, Christmas is a time to reminisce about what is important in life, family and friends and how the joyful times we spend together have more value than all the riches in the world. It reminds us that there are always those worse off than we are and that those who seemingly have everything, might have nothing of value at all (and that is reassuring). Also Scrooge reminds those who are well to do, to try to help those who are not, giving hope to many that their needs will be met when things don’t look so bright.

This particular version stars Alastair Sim as Ebenezer Scrooge, and terrifically captures the Victorian era living conditions and divisions between the wealthy and poor. For all the versions that are out there this one has for years been a favorite for best screen adaptation of Charles Dickens’ novella. Alastair Sim was actually know as a comedic actor and this role was an opportunity to showcase his full talents. He finally unleashed his comedic skills after his horrific night when he awakens a changed man, delighted at the opportunity to make a difference with the life he has left to live.

Help Children In Need With a Gift.

If you happen to be one of the fortunate this year don’t wait for Christmas day to give, as Ebenezer Scrooge did. Feeding America is a charity that faces the daily struggles to help fed the impoverished right here in America, much like Scrooge did for the Bob Cratchit’s family in this holiday classic.

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White Christmas is a classic from Irving Berlin and he did entertainment like youngsters today have never seen. Long before video games and other consumer electronics, this is an old school Christmas musical which brings together Rosemary Clooney (George Clooney’s aunt), Bing Crosby, Vera Ellen and Danny Kaye. White Christmas is an uplifting and heartwarming romance filled with dance, comedy and music and it’s in color! Subplot to the romance, is a WWII military connection which is really about goodwill and the spirit of brotherly love and loyalty, a Christmas tradition once as strong as giving Thanks at Thanksgiving.

White Christmas covers two Christmases, first is during the war. Bing plays Captain Bob Wallace who is joined on stage by private Davis (played by Kaye) who hopes to break into real showbiz. Their beloved Major General has just received orders that his tour is done and the whole unit gives him a boisterous send off in song. Suddenly the gathering is broke up as they come under attack, Davis ends up knocking Wallace out of the way of a collapsing wall, saving his life, Wallace in gratitude promises to make him a performance partner when they get home.

The pair go on to be very successful, running an entire production house. They meet a pair of sisters who are also performers and are instantly attracted. The business minded older sister and Wallace but heads a little because they are so alike, while the younger pair plot to see them married. The four share a train north where they decide to go to Vermont together instead of NY in hopes to have a white Christmas. Their Vermont host is none other than the Major General who is about to lose his shirt because it’s a mild winter and his resort has no visitors for lack of snow. Wallace hatches a plot to attract tourists by bringing his whole production house up to the beautiful location while romantic hijinks ensue.

xxxxx

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Based on the 1950 theater production of the same title. The movie starts on Christmas eve, set in New York, but the Christmas magic here is of an unusual sort, coming from witches.  Kim Novak plays Gillian Holroyd, the beautiful enchantress who takes an interest in her new neighbor, Shep Henderson (Jimmy Stewart) a publisher who is already engaged to someone else. Shep of course (being of James Stewart) is stoic and incorruptible by normal feminine wiles, so Gillian casts a spell on him.  This is Jimmy Stewart’s last true romantic lead because he was twice the age of his costars. Supporting actors include Hermione Gingold, Ernie Kovacs, Elsa Lanchester (Bride of Frankenstein) Jack Lemmon (Odd Couple), and Janice Rule.

This Jimmy Stewart movie was the inspiration for the TV show Bewitched, was taken in part from Bell Book and Candle. But where the TV series always saw Samantha being denied the use of her witchcraft, the film tells us that falling in love will erase a witch’s magic completely. This adds a level to the boy meets girl story, because while Gillain has an interest in Shep, at first she sees him as a play thing, a diversion, not someone she has any true romantic interest in. He, in response to discovering that she is a witch who has cast a spell on him, does what any sane man would do. He separates himself from the attractive vixen, seeking higher help to break the enchantment.  He sees her abuse of power as a callousness towards mere mortals and can ignore any lingering feelings because of this.  She on the other hand ends up falling for this man of integrity and loses her powers, changing her personality as she is no longer able to manipulate people.

Trivia and/or nostalgia

A bell, book and candle are key ingredients for an exorcism. Ring a bell, open a book and light a candle….then reverse the process when all is done. This makes me wonder if Jimmy Stewart would return to life if we played the movie backwards? Regardless, if you’re an old movie buff you might want to check out the Blondie and Dagwood movies.

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Elia Kazan directs and all star cast including Brando as Terry Malloy. Eva Marie Saint in her motion picture debut plays Edie Doyle, who becomes Terry’s love interest after her brother is killed. Karl Malden plays Father Pete Barry, who tries to get the longshoremen to stand together against the tyranny. (A long lived actor in both film and television, you’ll remember him best as the face for American Express traveler’s cheques…”Don’t leave home without them”). Playing the antagonist Johnny Friendly, is Lee J. Cobb (Death of a Salesman). Fred Gwynne (Car 54, where are you? & Munsters) plays a cop named Mladen “Slim” Sekulovich (Karl Malden’s real name). Unaccredited actors who went on to be stars in their own right include Katherine MacGregor (Little House on the Prairie) and Martin Balsam (Psycho).

This movie has be rated in the top ten of best American movies of all time. Worth the watch.

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Keeping hospitals and airplanes running, as he doesn’t wish to make an act of war by his own actions.

Disappointed and thinking the worst of humanity, much like the prince and the pauper, he takes a room in a boarding house to see how people really live. There he meets a mom struggling with her son and finds that humanity is not necessarily defined by their aggression. Unfortunately another boarder discovers who he is and jealous of his time with Helen (Patricia Neal) lets the authorities know where to find the alien. As a consequence he is shot and recuperates in his spaceship. He explains to a concerned Helen that despite all their advancements no-one has become immortal and he makes his good-byes with a final warning that if humanity doesn’t stop it’s conflicts they are doomed.

This classic had a superb cast and still stands the test of time. It’s remake 2008, replaces humanity’s war-mongering with seeing human’s as an ecological threat . For me, I see the message of the original much more convincing. Nature still dominates us, and all our attempts to protect it through legislation, only create more waste (e-waste, over packaging for “safety and promotion”, transportation for recycling instead of reusing, rules against making our own green spaces, etc).

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Amateur astronomer John Putman watches a meteorite through his telescope one night. He wakes a neighbor (who has a helicopter) and the pair go with his girlfriend to the crash site. Excitedly, scurrying into the crater, John notices that it was not a meteorite but a spaceship, as he scrambles back to tell the others, the ground shakes and the ship is buried. Nobody really believes him that aliens have landed until the small town starts to see some of it’s people behaving very strangely. The sheriff then gets a posse together to hunt down the aliens, while John has discovered that these benign visitors are trying to repair their ship and leave.

It becomes a battle of wits and a race against time as human prejudice and fears drive the towns folk. While curiosity, compassion and hope drive John to help hide the aliens achieve there escape. – It would have been great to watch this 3D movie in the original cinemas! Or, it maybe someone should have made a 3D video game based on it.

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The title prince is accompanied by his son and mother in law. The 16 year old son is eager to take on responsibilities as reigning King from his father, who is acting regent until he comes of age. The family, loosely based on Romanian royalty is from the fictional Carpathia, a country in the Balkans. The Prince is given a political attaché named Northbrook to make his visit to London enjoyable. Northbrook takes the Prince Regent to a musical, where he becomes smitten with Marilyn Monroe playing the showgirl Elsie Marina.

Invited to dinner, Elsie is at first is less than impressed by the Rengent Prince. Distracted by responsibilities, he leaves her alone for much of dinner and she, encouraged to stay by Northbrook, drinks too much. When the Prince tries to make a pass at her, she rudely rebuffs him, saying she expected romance and gypsy violins. The Prince composes himself and brings in a violinist. Then just when Elsie is starting to swoon for him, the alcohol, she’d been sipping all night, catches up with her and she passes out.

Having spent the night at the Carpathian embassy, Elsie overhears the young King plotting to overthrow his father by making alliances with the Germans. Elsie goes to Grandma (the Queen mother) for advice and is asked to remain for the coronation in place of the her lady in waiting, who has taken ill. Elsie uses her time with the family to convince the young King to write up a contract and put off his political sabotage against his father in exchange for a general election. The Prince regent is impressed, and finds himself appreciating more than Elsie’s body. But first a reconciliation with his son, to whom he has failed to show real affection.

The film ends with the pair going their separate ways, vowing that in 18 months each will be free of professional obligations.

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